So you’ve decided to explore the thrilling, arousing BDSM lifestyle? Though it might seem straightforward enough, there are plenty of details you should keep in mind, especially if you want to learn how to be a good dom.
The first thing you need to keep in mind is that BDSM is all about consent: That’s why having a safe word is key, and making sure to keep your submissive safe before, during and after a session should never be a second thought.
So, what’s a dom anyways?
The basic dynamics in BDSM are all about control and submission. It can also involve pain, pleasure denial, forced orgasms, bondage, humiliation, and all sorts of different spices. But at its core, it’s about a dominant taking control and a submission giving him or herself as fully as possible.
Though the dom is in charge, that shouldn’t be confused with being able to do whatever they want to their partner. There needs to be a conversation beforehand regarding limits and preferences. Establishing a safe word is a must. Why? Because your submissive might be into saying no and even struggling against your control, so you can’t depend on stopping because she’s asking you to as in regular sex. She might be actually aching for you to continue and it could either ruin the mood or push their limits to a point where the sexual encounter is no longer consensual.
It’s all about trust, and if your submissive can’t trust you, then it’s time over.
Most safewords are easy enough. If you’re just starting, we recommend going with the basics: yellow for slow down, red for stop. You and your partner can come up with any other you think will smoothly blend into your sessions without ruining your arousal.
So let’s make one thing clear: the moment consent is removed, and a dom keeps asserting his power over his submissive, be it through physical force or the use of restrains, it goes from a kinky sexual practice to abuse or rape. If you keep this simple concept in mind, you and your partner should be fine.
What kind of dom should I be?
It depends on your style, personality and preferences, really. You can be firmer, you can be sweeter, you can even be outright cold. As long as your submissive enjoys it and you keep them safe, any can work!
Now, no matter what dom you are, you must always remember the keyword safety. You are in charge of your partner’s wellbeing during a session, so even if they don’t use a safe word, you should always check restraints aren’t too tight or that they can properly breathe with whatever suit or position they’ve been put into.
Let’s explore a few different kind of doms:
- Daddy dom: This usually includes a DDLG (Daddy dom, little girl) dynamic. This is in no way related to incest nor underage sex, but it’s rather a desire for a tender dominant that can take the role of a caretaker during sex.
- Sadist: A sadist is someone who enjoys giving pain, while a masochist is someone who aches to receive it instead. If you have a submissive that is a masochist, then you might be the match made in heaven as long as you remember that safety rule we discussed earlier in the document. Pain doesn’t just need to be physical: it can also be emotional or psychological. It may include flogging, spanking, pinching, wax play and all sorts of impact play.
- Master: There is an entire subgenre of BDSM dedicated to Master and slaves. These activities usually include both sexual and non-sexual experiences, and the slave must perform different kinds of duties for their master.
- Owner: You might want, instead, to treat your submissive as a pet. It could be a cat, dog, horse or any other creature you can think of. There are toys in the market for these sorts of experiences, such as buttplugs with fluffy tails attached. You can be a rough owner or a sweet and tender puppy owner, it all depends on your preferences.
- Rigger: In this sort of domination, the submissive becomes somewhat of an object during the session. It usually includes ropework or any other sort of extreme restriction. For more daring and extreme doms, scatological elements can be included, but as usual, it must be accepted by both parties beforehand.
Do I have to be mean in order to be a dom?
No! You can if both your partner and yourself are into it, but it’s not a must by any stretch of the imagination. And even being mean or cruel is not an excuse for manipulating, abusing, or even raping your lover.
The keyword you must keep in mind is consent. As long as everyone is in agreement, then you can carry on. When someone wants to stop, be it you or the submissive, all sexual activity should stop at once.
Is being a dom easy?
Not at all. In fact, it’s more work most of the time. You need to take care of yourself and your sub, as well as strive to please them. This pleasure can come in a completely different way than regular sex. It can include denying pleasure, even hurting them. What’s important is to make sure everyone is safe and, if your submissive requires it, provide them with aftercare once the session is over.
Aftercare is helping your submissive go back to their normal mindset once your session is over, as many times these experiences can be quite intense. They might tremble, sob or even faint. You need to make sure to be there for them and sooth them until the crisis goes away. It’s not always necessary, but you should be on the lookout for any signs.
So if you think that being a dom is all about getting your way 24/7 without ever giving anything back or putting in any effort, then being a dom might not be the right path for you to follow.
What happens if I’m into gagging my partner and they can’t use their safeword?
In that case, you should come up with a tune they can hum that lets you know they want you to stop. And when they use it, don’t linger further: it’s an emergency call, and you can never ignore it.
If you want to learn how to be a dom, learn about the psychology behind submission.
Doing a little research can be highly beneficial in this new path you’re taking. Learning why your submissive enjoys kneeling before you, or what it is that activates that desire to surrender might make you a better dom.
If you have enough trust with your lover or significant other, make sure to ask her or him what attracts them to BDSM. Keeping communication channels open at all times will help you avoid mistakes down the path.
What else should I keep in mind?
- In order to be a good dom, you don’t need to always be 100% certain of what you’re doing. Be honest. If you feel uncomfortable about something or aren’t sure what the right choice is, voice these concerns to your partner.
- Don’t be afraid of asking questions, or to stop a session if you feel it’s going too far. Sure, you need to trust your partner if they are not using a safeword, but you’re the one in control, and it’s your role to ensure they are safe. So if you ever feel they might be pushing their boundaries to please you or because they don’t notice they might end up hurting themselves, stop and talk to your partner about it.
- Establish rules and a routine: If your submissive doesn’t understand what you want from them, it’s going to be a lot of trouble for the both of you. Make sure that the rules are well established and you don’t change them on a whim.
- Have check-ins: Asking your partner once a week, once a month or however frequently you feel is needed about the way they feel about your sessions is a great way to avoid conflicts down the line.
What mistakes should I try to avoid when becoming a dom?
- Raising your voice: That’s a big no no. There are submissives that love pushing their doms and getting punished, but once you’ve screamed at them, you lose some of that control. You need to be calm and assertive, and make sure they understand they’ve crossed a line.
- Attempting to always be perfect: Aside from being a dom, you’re also human. If you try to reach perfection, you’re always going to end up disappointed.
- Taking it too seriously: Sure, BDSM can be a powerful, intense experience, but you don’t have to be solemn about it all the time. Introduce some humor into your relationship, and just have fun!
- Being hard-headed: If you make a mistake, admit it. Tell your submissive what happened and say you’ll do better next time. It will make them trust you more and help you improve in the future.
- Expecting more than your submissive is willing to give: There are 24/7 BDSM relationships, yes, but they demand a lot of communication and trust. Most submissives will want to keep it in the bedroom. Make sure not to push their boundaries further than they’re willing to go.
- Avoid responsibility: You want to be a dom? Well, it’s going to be hard work. You’re responsible for your submissive the second she or he allows you to have control over them. If they get hurt, emotionally or physically, it’s on you. As long as you remember this and don’t get too wrapped up in your own pleasure, everything should be fine.